Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
