I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
