see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
