just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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