oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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