Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
