a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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