All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
