The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
