Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
