So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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