First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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