i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
