i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
tell me about the eggs
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
