He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
