ya dads aren't the best wingmen
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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