I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
