My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
