My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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