end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Watching her eat just hurts me
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
