my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
