Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
