Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You ever have a fart follow you around?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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