Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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