um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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