Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
