it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
