Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Someone shattered a urinal.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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