I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He did a backflip because drugs
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