Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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