Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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