I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
