I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
