Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
