But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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