Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
