Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
