goodnight i made you a song goodbye
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
