they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
