I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
