shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
