i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
