Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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