I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Farmville is her only friend.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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