I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
