my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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