He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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