i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
