I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
