I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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