Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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