I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
