i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I look excited, but its just a facade.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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