Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
