I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
