you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
