that's an acceptable place to lick
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
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He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
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Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize