she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
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