Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
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We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
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I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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