Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
