I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize