so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
