The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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