I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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