why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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