im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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