my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i barfeds in our rink
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I wear drunk well.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
