chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Quick, to the slutcave!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
