I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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